What American Fathers Need to Learn
from Antarctica Penguins
Richard Rupp, M.Div., MFT
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hat kind of fathers would stand outside in 75 degrees below zero blizzards and 100 mile per hour winds—for four months, and with no food? The male Emperor penguins in Antarctica do. And they repeat this test of endurance every year in order to protect and hatch their offspring. They must be the most committed fathers in the world.
After walking 70 miles inland to nesting grounds in order to be far away from any sea lions, the male penguin plays a critical role in caring for his unborn chick. After the mother lays her one and only egg, she carefully transfers it to the father (if the egg ever touched the ground, the chick inside would immediately freeze and die). All the mothers then leave the fathers behind and go back to the ocean to get some food for a few months. So the fathers stand there and wait, with the egg on top of his feet, for four months straight. He will lose half of his body weight. And he will stay there, in the worst blizzards on planet earth, through twelve weeks of darkness (the sun rarely shines in Antarctica during those months). All for the sake of his unborn baby. Finally, after the chick hatches on dad’s feet, the fattened up mothers return with food for their new offspring. Now the starving fathers can leave to get some food, which means a 70 mile walk back to the ocean! When the fathers later return to retrieve their families, they find their chicks not by sight, but by the sound of their chick’s voice. He can pick out his own chick’s voice out of one thousand other chick’s cries! These fathers’ must also have the most advanced listening skills in the world.
I have never heard of fathers who cared for their young as much as these Antarctica penguins. While watching the movie, March of the Penguins, I was challenged as never before in my own commitment as a dad—by penguins! Few human fathers would suffer even half as much for their kids. In fact, many human fathers don’t even wait around for their children to be born. They leave.
Today in America, one in three babies come into this world with no dad in the delivery room or waiting for them at home. One in three babies will have no father’s arms to hold them. And with so many fathers’ divorced from their wives, nearly 40% of children will go to bed tonight without their fathers in the house. By the time they are teenagers, nearly half of these kids will no longer have any regular contact with their dads. So why are Antarctica penguins more committed to their kids than millions of American men?
In fact, I think that American men are committed—it’s just not to their kids. It’s more often to themselves and their own personal pleasure. Having a baby challenges a man to make sacrifices as he never has before. Husbands who have been active in playing sports or their personal hobbies can have a hard time cutting back on these activities in order to take care of their new babies. And once babies arrive, it is not so easy to go on trips or vacations as before either. A man may even need to trade in his beloved two-seat sports car for a minivan for his kids. I know the sacrifice!
Besides sports or sports cars, other fathers are more committed to their careers than to their children. As a psychotherapist, I hear my patients ask the same question over and over again about their fathers. “Where was he? Why was my dad always gone? He was more committed to his job than he was to us.” For children of pastors, the pain can feel twice as deep. I have often heard, “Dad was more committed to the members of our church than to the members of our own family.” And for children of athletes, the feeling is the same—that Dad is more committed to his sport than to his own kids.
Dennis Connor, a living legend in the world of America’s Cup and grand-prix sailboat racing, unequivocally demands that his crews put their sport above family or anything else. As Dennis explains,
“What we required of everyone was a total commitment to the commitment. I made it clear to everyone from the beginning that no one would make the team unless he or she put winning the Cup ahead of everything else in their lives: families, social lives, money, sex, religion, friendships. It had to be give all or nothing at all. I have a family of my own and I guess it could be argued that I have not been the best father or husband in the world. I chose, for better or worse, to commit myself to a particular goal. My insistence on the commitment to the commitment has led me to believe I may be a bit abnormal and no doubt some people view me as insane. That doesn’t bother me because inside I know how I feel.” (Comeback, p. 66)
Two years after demanding this level of commitment, Dennis Connor and his team went on to win the America’s Cup back from Australia in 1987. But he lost his wife and kids.
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have a lot of respect for Dennis Conner and other men like him who are committed to be world-class at their craft, sport, or career. But what if fathers decided to be world-class at—fathering? After one of my visits with Dennis in his marina office in San Diego, lined with trophies from floor to ceiling, I began thinking about what it would be like to be world-class at something. Anything! And then it hit me. Why not strive to be world-class at the most important craft in the world—being a father? That day, while driving up the Pacific Coast to come home to my wife and kids, I decided that I would be as committed as Dennis. I committed myself to be a world-class father to my kids.
If American fathers were more committed to their children, the changes in our society would be dramatic. Studies show that when fathers are absent from their children, there is a sharp increase in teenage pregnancies, youth violence, crime, educational failure, and child poverty. And boys raised by single mothers without their fathers can often take on a hyper-masculinity in order to separate from her, leading them to demean and rage against women. Just look at the lyrics in most rap music. Without fathers, boys have a more difficult time establishing their masculine identity.
On the contrary, children with involved fathers become more confident, self controlled, socially skilled, responsible, law abiding, and in a word, happier people. Boys with involved fathers will relate more confidently and decently to women. Girls with involved fathers are less likely to be sexually active as teens because they won’t feel so desperate for a boys’ attention. They will also have higher standards for the character qualities of the boys they will date. Girls with fathers will become more secure and confident women. And boys with committed fathers will grow up to be responsible and committed fathers and husbands too. Like father—like son.
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ince the Sexual Revolution of the Sixties, the words “commitment” and “men” have rarely gone together anymore. Men and women have both felt free to be sexually promiscuous because of birth control. Radical feminism also gave men a message that they need not be committed anymore. Since women were saying that that they don’t need men anymore, many men have felt less compelled to stay around for their women and children. Why get married if you’re not needed anymore? Why be a committed husband and father when a guy can stay a boy and never grow up?
Even mature and responsible fathers have a daily battle with the “C” word of commitment. Male nature would often rather be out on a basketball court or closing a deal or building a new company or skyscraper than to be at home with his family. And some men have careers which simply take them away from their families. Whether evangelists like Billy Graham, CEO’s, salesmen or truck drivers, all know the difficulty of being away from their family. So what can these fathers, and all fathers, do to still show their commitment to their kids?
Here are my own top five ways that Dad’s can prove their commitment. If penguins can do it, then men can do it too. First, love and help your wives. Parenting takes two people, and family life sours fast if the mother is left alone with all the childcare. Ask regularly what she needs, and do it for her. The kids will not only feel more taken care of, but so will she. Remember, the penguin father waited four months for the mother to go out to eat and come back. Likewise, it is a good idea for men to regularly encourage their wives to go out while they stay home with the kids sometimes. Four hours is not going to kill you! She needs breaks too. (And don’t ever call it baby-sitting when you do! You are not baby-sitting the kids—you are fathering them! I can’t stand it when people—both women and men—confuse the two). Fathers are not babysitters to their kids—they’re fathers!
Second, spend as much time as possible with your kids. Play with them. Have fun with them. If you don’t know how to have fun, let your kids show you how—they’re experts at it! And loosen up! There is nothing worse for children than to have a father who is a bump on a log that can’t take off his tie and play. Ride bikes, make mud pies, play catch with them. You’ll have a lot more fun than reading a newspaper or today’s email.
Third, tell your kids daily that you love them (For dad’s that are away from home, use the phone). I know hundreds of men and women who never once heard their fathers say they loved them. Is this asking too much from fathers? And why not also say the second most desired words that children want to hear; “I’m proud of you.” Say both of these as often as you can. Don’t make your kids have to guess how you feel about them. And I don’t care if you’re Norwegian or from some other culture that makes it feel “unnatural”. Do it anyway!
And while on the subject of talking, let your child know who you are. Tell your kids about yourself. Kids have a deeper understanding of their own self when they know more about their parents. So even if you flunked third grade as a kid, let your children know about it anyway, and how you overcame that and other childhood trials. So many men have told me that they never knew their fathers, because their fathers never told them anything about themselves. These dads might as well have been ghosts—because there was nothing there for them to see. Children love to hear your stories. Let them see you and know you.
Philip, one of Jesus’ disciples, once asked, “Lord, show us the Father, and that will be enough for us.” Jesus answered, “Anyone who has seen me has seen the Father. The words I say to you are not just my own. Rather, it is the Father, living in me, who is doing his work.” Even God the Father does not hide himself from his earthly children. He became a man so we could see him with our own eyes and hear him with our own ears. The example in Jesus is that our heavenly Father will spare nothing to show his love and sacrifice for us. If you want to know what a loving and committed father says and does, just read the Gospels. There has never been a better example. And as for sacrificing for us, well, just watch the movie, The Passion of the Christ, if you can.
Lastly, don’t be a lone ranger father. Men need other men to inspire and support them as fathers. During the Antarctica winter, all of the fathers huddled together to stay warm during those four brutally cold months--all with eggs on their feet. Get together with other dads who are also committed to raise their kids too. You won’t feel so alone, and you will learn from each other as well.
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ommitment is a very manly quality. In fact, it’s the motto of the Marines; “Semper Fi” (Always Faithful). Whether in sports, business, marriage or fatherhood, commitment is the key to success. As more American fathers get a reputation for this kind of commitment, maybe a new documentary could be made about them someday, called “March of the Dads.” If penguins can do it, why can't we? Like Father—Like Son? You Decide Rick Rupp, MFT This exercise is meant to give some legs to your apple and to free yourself to become the man that you would like to be. Below are five questions to get you moving. 1. What were three things that I admired/respected most about my dad? 1. 2. 3. 2. What were three things that I disrespected or even hated about my dad? 1. 2. 3. 3. What was my Dad’s guiding philosophy or outlook about life and others? What was the one thing that he would always say? 4. What did my Dad believe/feel about: (if you don’t know, than guess) 1. His worth 2. Women 3. His Father 4. His Mother 5. His career/income 5. How do I feel about my Dad’s masculine sexuality? 1. What are three things that I most admire/respect about myself? 1. 2. 3. 2. What are three things that I disrespect or hate about myself? 1. 2. 3. 3. What is my guiding philosophy or outlook about life and others? What do I always say to myself? 4. What do I believe about: 1. My worth 2. Women 3. My Father 4. My Mother 5. My career/income 5. How do I feel about my masculine sexuality? APPLECATION: (that was intentionally misspelled) So how are you going to apply what you just learned? The Bible doesn’t suggest you leave your father, it tells you to do it. “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother” (Gen.2). You were meant to become your own man. After answering the following questions, talk to some other men about your answers and get their support to help you change. So how do you want to be the same or different than your dad? 1. In my self-worth and self-image? 2. In my view of women? 3. In what I always say to myself? 4. In anything else? Setting the Course to a Lasting Marriage Pre-Marital Workshop and History Rick Rupp, M.Div., MFT Pre-marital counseling can help equip couples for a long and happy life together. Unfortunately, many couples spend more time and money planning for a successful wedding than they invest in preparing themselves for a successful marriage. These are some typical questions that I ask couples in pre-marital therapy. While I explore these and other issues in therapy, together with pre-marital assessments, these questions can give couples a better start in knowing themselves and each other. What is Marriage? What are three qualities/traits that you want to define your marriage? 1. 2. 3. The Three Main Reasons Why I was Attracted to My Future Spouse: 1. 2. 3. The Three Main Reasons Why My Future Spouse was Attracted to Me: 1. 2. 3. The Three Greatest Strengths of Our Relationship and Future Marriage are: 1. 2.’ 3. Our Three Most Common Problems (or Potential Problems) are: 1. 2. 3. Three of the best times with my fiancé have been: 1. 2. 3. Three of the worst times with my fiancé have been: 1. 2. 3. My Three Dreams of my Future with my Spouse 1. 2. 3. My Three Fears in my Future with my Spouse 1. 2. 3. If I Could Change Three Things about Myself, they would be: 1. 2. 3. If I Could Change Three Things about Our Relationship, it would be: 1. 2. 3. The Top Three Things That Turn Me On Sexually: 1. 2. 3. Three Things that I Don’t Like to do Sexually: 1. 2. 3. Three Little Things That I Do That Make My Future Spouse Happy: (if you don’t know, go ahead and ask him/her) 1. 2. 3. Three Little Things that My Future Spouse Does That Make me Happy: 1. 2. 3. The Top Three Things that Make a Man Feel Good About Himself 1. 2. 3. The Top Three Things that Make a Woman Feel Good about Herself 1. 2. 3. The Three Best Things That My Spouse Can Say to Me: 1. 2. 3. The Three Best Things That I Can Say to my Spouse: 1. 2. 3. The Three Best Things That I Can Pray/Hope for my Spouse: 1. 2. 3. The Three Best Things That My Spouse Could Pray/Hope for Me. 1. 2. 3. Personal and Family History Before a man can successfully unite together with his wife in marriage, the Bible says that he first needs to leave his father and mother (Gen. 2:24). The same is true for the wife. Whether you have left your parents physically (as in another house, state or country), how well have you left them emotionally and become your own separate person? These questions can help you leave your parents and be your own unique self. Your fiancé may also learn some valuable things about you and your history. What was the best part of your childhood? What was the most difficult part of your childhood? How did the above experiences affect you? How did your mother and father communicate and work out their differences? How do you and your fiancé communicate and work our their differences? How do you feel about your mother? What did your mother always say? Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your mother: How did this affect you? How do you feel about your father? What did your father always say? Describe the most pleasant and unpleasant experiences with your father: How did this affect you? How do you want your marriage to be like your parent’s marriage? How do you want your marriage to be different than your parent’s marriage? Think of a married couple that you know and most respect. What qualities does their marriage have that you admire? Is there anything else that you would like to talk about with your fiancé? Our Marriage Vision What is the vision for your marriage? Write down a list of twenty values and actions that will guide you in reaching that vision together. Make these as practical as possible. Start each one with “We…” Some examples: 1. We greet each other with a kiss when we come home. 2. We apologize when we have wronged the other person. 3. We go on regular dates together Write this individually and then compare with your spouse’s list. Agree on five primary action/visions for your marriage and circle them. Practice your list daily and review your Marriage Vision every year on your anniversary, evaluating and revising as needed. Final assignments: 1. Go on a date together one week before your wedding. There is to be no (or minimal) talking about the wedding and its millions of details. Instead, reconnect with each other and tell each other one last time why you chose to marry the other. Second, review your Marriage Vision list with each other. Finally, talk about where you would wish to spend your 25th anniversary, and how old each of you will be on that day. Depending on your age, go ahead and talk about your 50th too. When people ask you at your 25th anniversary, “What was the secret of your marriage all these years?”, what will likely be your answer? What are three answers that you believe will get you there? 2. This final exercise will be used in your 25th anniversary. Write a letter your fiancée, to be opened on your 25th wedding anniversary. Write about why you have chosen to marry your fiancée, your feelings for him/her, and what you plan to do to enrich your spouse’s life. Write three wishes that you have for your life together. If you would like, include any Scripture verse, prayer, quote, picture, memento, or anything else that you would like to add with your letter. Discuss a place that you would like to meet in 25 years to open these letters to each other, and give each other your letters at that time. Save and keep these with your important records until that day. A sailboat needs to know its destination point to get to where it is going. It needs a hand on the wheel and constant adjustments to its sails in order to stay on course. So does marriage. There will be times when your boat will be rocked, and maybe even battered by a hurricane or two. But if you are committed to your destination and to each other, and make daily adjustments with each other, your marriage can go the distance and sail into the sunset of your lives. Fair Winds. Links to put more wind in your personal and professional sails:
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Worksheets for Your Personal Growth
The following worksheets can help free you from your past and move more freely toward your goals in life. The first is to help men work out their relationships with their fathers. The second worksheet is for pre-marital couples, but the same questions apply to husbands and wives. Just substitute "spouse" for "fiance." For ease of use, I suggest you copy and paste my worksheets to a Word document and print it out. More worksheets will be added in the future.
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Now its your turn. Now we will see how far your apple fell from your dad’s tree, and how far you have traveled away from that tree. (use extra paper if you need to)
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Rick's other websites:
www.pasadenamarriagecounseling.com
www.pasadenachristiancounseling.com
www.christianmenandsex.com
www.waypointsailing.com
Recommended links
www.smartmarriages.com
www.cloudtownsend.com
www.marriagebuilders.com
www.realrelationships.com
www.fathers.com
www.homeword.com
www.drcloud.com
www.ted.com
Books for your relationship library:
On Sex
What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew about Sex
Howes, Rupp, Simpson (Baker Books, 2007)
The Sexual Man, Arch Hart (Word, 1995)
The Secrets of Eve, Arch Hart, Catherine Hart, Debra Taylor (Word, 1998)
Kosher Sex, Schmuley Boteach (Doubleday, 1999)
A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue, Wendy Shalit (Touchstone, 1999)
On Marriage
The Divorce Lawyers Guide to Staying Married, Wendy Jaffe (Volt Press, 2006)
Changes that Heal, Henry Cloud (Zondervan, 1990)
Boundaries, Henry Cloud and John Townsend (Zondervan, 1992)
On Parenting
Fatherless America: Confronting Our Most Urgent Social Problem, David Blankenhorn (BasicBooks, 1995)
Hurt: inside the world of today's teenagers, Chap Clark (Baker Academic, 2004)
Internet Protect Your Kids, Roger Marsh and Stephen Arterburn (Integrity, 2007)
On Faith
Why Men Hate Going to Church, David Murrow (Nelson Books, 2005)
Messy Spirituality, Michael Yaconelli (Zondervan, 2002)
The Hidden Face of God: Science Reveals the Ultimate Truth, Gerald Schroeder (Touchstone, 2001)